Diablo 3 should have been a rhythm game!

Little Dancing Demon

Inspired by Bennett Ring’s “thought provoking” musings in his recent crap article over at GameSpy, I decided to take a stance of my own regarding how Diablo 3 should best have been genre bent.

After playing the latest Diablo 3 demo, GameSpy’s Editor in Chief found himself thinking how much better the game might have been, if only Blizzard had seen fit to develop it not in its classic isometric format but rather as an FPS style game.  Bennett also questioned a “co-op player friend”, and apparent Diablo franchise expert, who agreed with his own assessment (based on his brief D3 beta experience) that the entire Diablo series is just too easy.  Though Bennett later went on to counter virtually all of his assertions and “deep musings” later in his post, most readers were left with the impression that despite knowing virtually nothing about everything, his point, before being nullified by a wandering lazy writing style full of contradictions, was horrifying.

Readers of his work were shocked and awed.  This is plainly apparent by some of the comments left by those unfortunate enough to make it all the way to the bottom of his post.  Many new “subscribers” have joined the GameSpy ranks simply driven by a strong desire to question Bennett’s sanity, street cred, and ability to rationalize.  Some even stooped so low  as to use *gasp* profanity.  At this point no one has yet raised a burning effigy of Bennett outside of GameSpy’s offices, but that may well be in the works (checking the slush fund now…)

To think he came so very close to literary genius before falling into this ineffable madness so common of those gifted with extreme Smartelligence™.  It is both bitter and sweet.  For while he fell so short in actually writing anything good, or thought provoking, wise or even complete; the wondrous conclusion he failed so miserably to draw from his musing is plain to this humble writer:

Diablo 3 should have been a rhythm game.  Imagine, if you will, that every battle takes place with you, the player, interacting with the on-screen action by wielding little buttoned plastic weapons, shields and magic talismans while standing on a big square disco grid?  These plastic accouterments are actually the Diablo 3: Dance Dance Fury RockHero controllers and they’re your only means to surviving mean ole Diablo’s evil minions!

Charged by a two headed purple Minotaur, clearly angered by your non-vegan diet and penchant for cow tipping?  No problem!  Simply swing your sword to the rhythm pumping through your headphones, while waving your shield and simultaneously performing a Riverdance-esque dance sequence!  You’ll be jammin’ like Michael Flatley as you show Diablo that while you may not be a Lord of Destruction, you are in fact a Lord of the Dance.  Imagine the “Jam-Off” you could have whenever fighting a boss monster.  Motely Crue’s Shout at the Devil blaring, you with your dance moves and plastic stuff waving around. It’s just poetry in motion.

This is what Diablo gameplay was meant to be, and only through the use of cheap little plastic props can it be brought to life.  No more beautiful, inspiring, symphonic Blizzard-produced music for this game.  Nope, the impassioned voices of Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, Avenged Sevenfold and, of course, Aerosmith will drive you, the mysterious protagonist, on to more and more advanced dance moves/button mashing/controller waving!  This game practically screams for integration with Sony’s Move, Microsoft’s Kinect and Nintendo’s Vitality Sensor systems!

And once the clamoring masses get a hold of this title with its new and exciting gameplay, their appetites will need sating by more fantasy/horror/melee/rock/dance/rhythm gaming and the previous titles should be re-released as well.  Imagine if you will, Diablo 2: The Electric Boogaloo.  This title’s power cannot be denied, nor can yours.  As a consumer you can demand that Blizzard stop in its tracks with this tired, old isometric format.  The mouse, keyboard and other primitive interfaces need to go out the proverbial window.  You can act now to petition Blizzard to make Diablo 3 the way it should be made, the way the very gods of Sanctuary would have had it: as the rhythm game to end all rhythm games.  One can only hope, anyway.

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